So just as a caveat: this post is not a cry for help, a way to ask yo to give me something or babysit or anything like that, it's not a search for pity, it is just a way for me to get out some of my emotions this morning as I feel overwhelmed - it helps me process to write it down and get it out.
I am angry. I am so angry that I'm in tears. I had a harder day yesterday with lots of meltdowns and both kiddos just giving me a tough time. Then we went to church which is always a good thing, but keeps us up later than normal. We didn't eat dinner until after church so I got to bed around two hours later than I normally do. And this was a day that I desperately needed sleep to have a fresh start for the next day.
Then 4:30am happened. My son decided not to sleep. He ate and fell asleep like normal, but then once he was put down decided to cry and cry and cry. It took me an hour to get him to fall asleep, then I went to sleep, and he woke up thirty minutes later. I couldn't have been asleep more than 15 minutes. Then he proceeded to scream. I mean for real. Nothing I could do made it better. I changed his diaper, I tried to feed him again, I rocked, I paci'd, I cuddled, and he screamed. My nerves began to unravel and I began to get angry at this kid because he would not sleep. And then angry at God. I pray every single night that God will allow me to sleep so that I can more effectively care for these kids. And God has seen fit to say no. Why? It's not like I won't have to rely on Him during the day, it's already hard enough just to take care of the two kids. Can't he allow me the night off? Why is it that this kid only melts down during my shifts and not during his father's shifts? Why does the husband get to leave and go to work, kid free, while I have to stay here?
So I woke up the husband early and gave him the baby because I'm angry. Because I am pulling the covers over my head to have a good cry. Because I feel like I'm going to explode. Because I feel like those last few precious hours of sleep were stolen from me and I'm beginning this day exhausted rather than refreshed. Because even my Bible study this morning did not feel like it hit home and I'm running on empty. And it's only 7:20am. And kid number 1 just woke up (I can hear her talking to herself) and kid number 2 is still screaming in the other room. And because I have not successfully napped during the day (except when medicated) in years.
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